The Lasting Damage of Conditional Parental Love (2024)

"Unconditional love. Not many guys here know that kind of love. A lot of them grew up without any kind of love at all. That hurts a man. It breaks him. It breaks him in ways that no person should be broken." —Anthony Ray Hinton, in his memoir The Sun Does Shine. (Hinton, 2019, p. 170).

Lainey was going through her third divorce. "I keep making the same mistake, thinking that someone will finally love me!" she cried. Sitting across from me on a rainy day, she seemed to fold into the floppy sides of the couch, wanting to disappear. "I keep doing the same thing, but I don't know why."

As we began to uncover her history, she shared that she was rejected at an early age by her parents after coming out as bisexual. Raised in a highly conservative family, her parents immediately told her to "forget" that part of herself. But she insisted this was who she was, filled with the newfound energy of a teen who was discovering themself.

They reacted by rejecting her completely. However, she was unable to recognize this rejection until many years later, because it happened while she was living in the same house as them. "They still provided for me," she said timidly, almost as a way to deny their actions towards her. "I don't think it can count as rejection... can it?"

I allowed her the quiet space between us to reflect.

There is an unspoken contract of parental love and support. This means that no matter what a child does, or who the child is, the parent or caregiver should love them. When love is withdrawn after mistakes are made or after the child does something that displeases the parent, this is conditional love.

(This does not mean that bad behavior should be excused, only that the withdrawal of love and support after bad behavior is unhealthy and damaging to a developing child. When a child acts out, such as getting in trouble at school or causing conflict, it is often a sign of stress and that they need their parents more, not less.)

As a social worker and psychotherapist, I see first-hand the effects of love that is conditional—or given only when rules are met—on children who grow up searching for love and support. What we do not receive from our parents, we try to get from the world around us—friends, partners, substances, and other means. If we do not get consistent, stable love and care, it affects our capacity to develop and maintain healthy relationships in adulthood. (Perry, 2021).

Conditional love teaches children that they are only worthy and deserving of love if they behave in ways that please the parents, not just for being themselves. They learn that their true self is wrong, bad, and undeserving of love. This affects their self-worth, their self-esteem, and their ability to create and maintain social connections.

Many survivors grow up believing they are inherently flawed and undeserving of love and support due to their imperfections. They may struggle to believe they deserve happiness in life and relationships. As a result, they may feel they are only deserving of a relationship if they “bring something to the table” such as money, looks, status, accomplishments, etc since they are not worthy just by being themselves.

You may recognize this in yourself. I know I did for a long time.

Parents who love their children unconditionally teach them that the world is safe. When parents reject their children through conditional love, it teaches them that the world is not safe and that they can expect rejection. These children then grow up believing that they will be abandoned and rejected.

Their behaviors and interactions with others are likely to reflect these beliefs, as they are often unable to navigate conflict and struggle with self-esteem and self-worth. They may avoid getting close to others to avoid the pain of getting hurt.

Similarly, they may be desperate for relationships to “prove” to themselves that they are wanted and loved, at least by someone. Desperate for belonging, love, and connection, they may use romantic relationships as stand-ins for the foundational love and support they never received as a child. Both of these are normal reactions to their experiences.

Safety and security from a caregiver are necessary for a child’s interpersonal and developmental growth. Without those experiences, those who received only conditional love may spend a lifetime trying to make up for a backlog of unmet needs.

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